Should a Man Build Before He Starts Dating?

A common theme I’ve noticed among people when they’re expressing what the desire in a mate is that they want “someone they can build with.” And, I can certainly understand such a sentiment. The whole objective of entering a relationship is to form a partnership in which 2 individuals agree to use their unique characteristics and capabilities to empower one another.  Financial, emotional, & spiritual empowerment (building) is, of course, the primary component necessary for a healthy relationship to exist.

However, seldom is it ever discussed what kind of basic foundation and frame needs to be in place initially in order to facilitate an effective and robust process of empowerment.  How can 2 people work together to build anything when there isn’t already a foundation in place?  

A great example of what I mean can be found in the Bible.  Now whether or not you’re a believer is irrelevant.  I just use this reference because I believe there is something constructive anyone can take away from it.  I’m referring to the portrayal of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis.  

Before Eve came into the picture, Adam had already been vigorously and diligently cultivating and maintaining The Garden of Eden.  Before he was in a relationship with Eve, he was already busy on learning to master how to alter and shape the environment around him.  God didn’t create Eve simultaneously with Adam because He was trying to make a point:  

As a man, before you ever even think of entertaining the company of a female, you should have already invested the time and energy needed to identify and to master what your skills are and in how to utilize them in modifying and molding the atmosphere around you to your advantage.

Once Adam grasped what God wanted him to understand about himself, Adam realized he’d hit his ceiling in terms of what he was able to accomplish alone in fulfilling the work he was meant to do in The Garden of Eden.  In addition, there was a longing for companionship the animals assisting Adam in his work simply could not fulfill.  

God already knew what Adam wanted before he eventually confessed his loneliness and his frustration of how the animals couldn’t effectively help him accomplish the goals he had in mind. But, God had his reasons for waiting to create Eve:


  1. He wanted Adam to focus on mastering what it is he was put here to do, and he wanted him to use his mastery to produce resources so that he actually had something to offer Eve when she did come into his life.

  2. He wanted Adam to understand his place in the world so he could properly navigate it. Without knowing this, no man can properly provide leadership to his woman nor his family.

  3. He wanted Adam to work at such a high level that he’d reach a peak and realize he’d need a partner to bring the best out of him.  Plus, He wanted Adam to realize, he was able to toil and produce a lot more vigorously why in the presence of female affection and intimacy.  It reinvigorated him.  God wanted Adam to work alone all that time so he could fully appreciate the presence of Eve.  He needed to be alone and to work by himself to truly appreciate Eve as a woman.

How is a man supposed to build financially with a woman if he is drowning in debt coming into the relationship?  In that case, shouldn’t his primary goal be to eliminate his debt first?  Having a female in his life should be the farthest thing away from his mind.

How can a man offer anything he’s built to a woman when he doesn’t even have a reliable vehicle to get back and forth? Is it even possible for a man who hasn’t built anything to not have a reliable vehicle?

Does a man who’s worked as the fry cook at Long John Silvers for 7 years really look like a man who’s mastered his craft and a man who has utilized it to significantly alter the environment around him, so it works to his benefit and to the benefit of those in close proximity to him?

If a man has not properly dealt with any childhood trauma negatively affecting his behavior as an adult, how are he and a woman going to emotionally grow together?

If men expect women to submit to them, they actually need to have something built up for the woman to submit to.  Adam was putting in mad work in The Garden of Eden before Eve ever showed up.  Furthermore, Adam knew exactly what his purpose was and, therefore, was able to give Eve directive in helping him fulfill that purpose.  Men can’t expect women to submit to them when they have no clear objective or aim in life, and women shouldn’t be expected to submit to that.

Admittedly, I, myself, have been in financial dire straits in the past, and I still tried to date women when I had no business doing such thing.  The women I dealt with could sense I wasn’t confident because my finances weren’t in order and because I hadn’t actually cared enough about myself to invest the time towards understanding what my place was in the world.

Fellas, don’t do what I did.  Before you ever try to date, focus on becoming the most financially astute, emotionally leveled and sound, goal-oriented, spiritually in-tuned, and healthy version of yourself you can be.  Once you’ve established this profound understanding of yourself, then–and only then, should you try to date.

Building, as was the case with Adam, is something you do for yourself.  Yes.  But, it’s also what you’re expected to do to earn female company, and you should be engaged in doing so well before you try to be with any woman.  It is your right of passage.

Doing so provides stability, security, and a sense of direction to your future relationship, for you, your future woman, and your future children.

From the Heart,    

Hello Family,

The name a go by is my pen name, The Stormy Poet – (feel free to click the hyperlink to learn more about who I am). Thank you for taking the time to my official website.

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